It’s been another two weeks since updating the “almost daily diary.” The name’s becoming something of a joke, given how infrequent my posts have been. Part of the problem is that you (I) come up with great ideas, things to write about, but if you don’t get to it quickly, you don’t get to it at all. One day becomes two, two days become four, and before you know it a week or two have passed. Once you get past that initial threshold of when you (I) should be updating things, the momentum for not getting around to it increases. What difference does it make if it’s two days or five? And when it gets to five, you try not to think about it, because you feel bad/guilt/perhaps even a hint of shame. Where did the shame come from?
For things around the house, especially things my wife mentions, I have the “5 second rule.” Just get it done, quickly. Don’t think too much about it, because once 5 seconds have passed, you’re into rationalization mode and find ways not do to something, when in fact it would be far easier to just get it done, right then, right there.
How hard can it be to update things here? Writing is something I enjoy doing! Writing is something I wish I had more time for. Writing is something that I’m “efficient” at, never requiring rework, just sit down and let the words fly. That probably shows up as a problem, the “never requiring rework” part. It’s a habit I picked up back in college, before we had word processors. Just typewriters. For a 20 page term paper, I might rewrite the first page a few times, but once I got that down, it would be stream-of-conscious from then-on. Something that’s only possible if you’re a very, very fast typist and don’t stumble over your words.
If you think about it, most people can carry on a conversation for a few minutes in a coherent fashion. It’s only when they’re forced to really slow down that they lose track of things. If you can type as quickly as you can think, things go so much better!
So what keeps me from writing? Pretty much Life, The Universe, and Everything. My wife’s Stage IV cancer issues is a significant one, because when I come home from work, it doesn’t seem quite right to ignore her for a while, while I go and write. We don’t know how much time she/we have left after all. So instead of writing, I spend time watching dumb TV series on Netflix or Amazon Prime or Apple TV. It’s something she enjoys and doesn’t take a whole lot of energy. Sometimes I read to her, sometimes we go for a walk with the dog, but it never seems quite right, after spending the day away from her while I work, to ignore her when I get home.
And the work thing… that’s not getting any easier. Still working six days a week, and it’s becoming increasingly challenging for me as my eyes take longer to change focus (so switching from working on a bike to helping a customer to trying to see small type on a computer is not fun!) and the arthritis in my right hand interferes with working on bikes. Thankfully, it doesn’t affect my typing, not yet.
In fact, none of the things that come with getting older or having my weird rare bone marrow disease interfere with writing. It’s almost as if writing is what I’m supposed to be doing. It’s certainly something I enjoy doing more than most other things. When writing, I see all the other distractions in life as clutter that keeps me from… writing more!
Generally Karen (my wife) falls asleep before me, but typing on a laptop in bed doesn’t work. You really have to contort yourself. I’ve considered setting up a small writing station in the bedroom, so I could work while she sleeps, which seems better than heading into the family room. It’s a proximity thing. It likely started nearly two years ago, before she started her current treatment and, for a couple weeks, seemed like she was circling the drain, weeks or maybe even days away from death. That experience changed me. Changed how I looked at a lot of things, things that involved us as a couple. Some of those changes were for the better, but some might have been a bit reactive and overkill.
My intent, tomorrow, Sunday, is to ride with Kevin (my son), take photos, and create a “proper” almost daily diary entry afterward. Same day. We’ll know the results of that intent about 30 hours from now. Film at 11.
